Karma's a Bitch

My stomach twists in anguish, my mind once again retreating to the past. To the good times--always the good. Bile begins to rise up in my throat again. I don't know why, I haven't eaten anything in days. Still my insides are protesting in a not-so-gentle reminder that I asked for this, that this is all my fault. Air, I need air, I'm suffocating. I climb down the stairs and dash outside as my legs begin to guide me in my usual walk. Mindlessly I follow, my consciousness bombarded with thoughts that make me want to rip my hair out. Run, I need to run to escape my own thoughts. I break into a run as fast as my legs will take me. As fast as I can push until I feel alive again. I feel my heart beating out of my chest, a heart I wish I never had. The air stings my lungs with every breath until I see them. The swings. The one staple of my childhood. Immediately my feet head for them. I collapse into the seat and pause. I forgot how to swing. Has it really been that long? I grab hold of the metal links and lean backwards as my legs extend, then I slowly lean forwards as I bring my legs back under me. It takes me a while to get into a groove again. It isn't long before I'm pumping and pumping as fast as I can as the tears being to release themselves. The hurt and the pain finally taking over me until the sobs begin. There's nothing I can do. It's over. I feel like a piece of me died today. A piece I will never get back.

I cry until I run out of tears and the swing is making creases in my thighs. I glance around at the park before me. The sun shining through the trees, the birds chirping all around and I can't help but think: Life goes on. 

Just like remembering how to swing, I will remember how to move on. I will grow, I will learn, I will be stronger. 

Craziest Thing I've ever done..

I just did the craziest most spontaneous thing I've ever done... I just quit my job. Yup, my job. my good old fashioned 9-5 with a 401k and kushy benefits. Why you ask?  Well, that's the best part (in my opinion, I'll probably be reamed by my family later) I quit to pursue my writing career. 

Before you go calling the insane asylum let me explain! I've come to the conclusion that it's now or never for me. I've reached a point in my life that it's either make it or break it. I know with a full time job I will never be able to put my all into my writing. A wise man once told me if you believe in yourself, you shouldn't have a back up plan. That's setting yourself up for failure from the get-go. 

So, here I go throwing caution to the wind and thrusting myself full time into the world of sentences, paragraphs, and above all my insane imagination. Follow me on this long journey of mine.  

How I'm Finding Myself...

Follow your dreams they tell you. Follow your passion. When you are younger you are asked what you want to be when you grow up. When you graduate High school or college you are asked what job you want to hold for the rest of your life. What happens to that 5% of the population that has no idea? The dreamers? The people that are labeled crazy-lunatics? What happens to them?

For most of my life, I tried to conform. I tried to do the responsible thing. I blindly went to college. I continued to go from job to job as I dabbled in various extracurricular activities. I tried my hand in modeling, acting, painting, reading, and writing. I was searching for something in life, something I hadn’t found. My calling, my passion—whatever you want to call it. How do you find your passion? Is a question I asked myself on the daily.

Unfortunately, for some it doesn’t come easy. That question of what do you want to do, haunts me to this very day. Creative people, like me, get restless in typical jobs because we are constantly strive for something more. We crave to be outside in the sunshine instead of in a cubicle. Our mind like our hands can never be idle. My particular story is the only one I can speak to. I share it here as an example to others that you never know where your life may take you. That striving for your passion changes on a daily basis as does your passions sometimes. Life, itself is a growing process.

This blog is my story, my constant search for my passion, my struggle with normalcy, and every obstacle I face in between. It is meant above all to connect with my readers, be inspirational to everyone and ultimately share my story with the world.